Look, I know no one out there is actually reading this damn thing, but I suppose I'm not much of a blogger if I'm not actually blogging. Now, to be fair (to myself), I blog professionally, so I actually write about 3 articles a day. It's not anything exciting to every-day people, but it's actually fun and I get to talk to groovy people in all sorts of technology departments. 

If you're curious about all that jazz, Google "The VAR Guy" and check out my writings. I wont link directly there for a few reasons, maybe they're obvious, maybe they're not. But I'd like to keep a bit of separation between work and play. 

That being said, when the day is over, I feel like the ink well is dry. I feel like it's carried over to Twitter, too. I've totally been slacking in that micro-blogging department. Maybe it's because I've drained myself of saying anything that doesn't sound like gibberish or my giant bucket of witicisms hasn't been collecting any good nuggets to share.

I also haven't written any solid fiction in about a year, which is depressing me because I minored in creative writing and --- according to my professor from my last creative writing class -- "set the bar high" as far as short-story standards went. Yeah, I'm bragging.

Point being, is that my job writing has prevented me from writing. At least, I think that's the excuse. It's kind of weird, but I think it makes sense. Back at Fordham, being an English major meant reading nearly 2.5 novels every two weeks. The result? Other than The Times, I did almost no leisure reading. 

But does that mean I don't 'actually' read and write if I don't do it outside of work? Well, I don't know. Maybe it means I don't love it as much as I thought I did? I'd rather not think of it that way, but, Stephen King's On Writing had some interesting tidbits about this issue:

I'm paraphrasing here: basically, he said, if you're not doing it every day, you're not doing it right. And that doesn't mean when you do do it, it's bad, it just means that your heart isn't into it. The story he offered as an analogy was that his son played saxophone, and played well, but never took it out to play other than to practice. That's how King knew his son wasn't going to be a great saxophonist later in life. (Later on, it turns out he became a writer like his father, but that's another story.) 

So, since I don't take out my 'writing chops' to do nifty little life-blogs like this, or push the prose pen, does that mean my heart isn't into it? Again, I don't really know. All I know is that it's been a while, and I haven't really written for 'me' recently. 

And hey, maybe that's the answer right there. My job requires me to write for other people. Maybe my mindset should switch over and think about writing for me, as quite litterally, doing it for myself. I guess when you keep a blog the idea is that other people are reading it. I frequently like to think about my reader because I feel like my best writing is conversational, and it makes sense for me to think that way. 

But maybe I should think about talking to myself when I write. Maybe that makes me crazy.

But then again, what writer isn't? 

It's okay, guy, I'm confused too.

They all work, for the most part, on getting you to watch. Episodic commercials, for lack of a better term, are more 'entertaining'. But one of the more perplexing commercials I've come across, (where the analogy or metaphor the characters convey is not entirely accurate) is Cabelvision's Optimum iO HD commercials.

 It features the "Pixels". If you haven't seen these commercials, let me set it up for you. A camera zooms deep into a TV screen and focuses in on an infinite white room with rows of people standing at attention with their hands on their hips, wearing skin-tight jump suits of various colors. Regardless of size, gender or body type, they're squeezed into these suits. It's for comedic effect. All wear helmets color coordinated to match the spandex. 

But they're not getting ready for the luge, a Tron convention or some bizarre sperm demonstration, no, no, they're pixels, and they're giving each other pep talks about how awesome they're going to be at displaying HD picture. After a short skit, each commercial ends when one pixel screams out what HD picture they need to 'make' ("OH! Rainbow!"). Suddenly, all the Pixels scramble into place, reorganizing and arranging themselves. 

But the running gag doesn't stop there: There's a large Black man, and he's a pink pixel. He's not featured in all the commercials, but he's been in a few of them, and one of them drives me bonkers. 

The commercial starts off with a new brown Pixel reporting for duty. His suit is beat up, and there's a running shoe attached to him. Brown Pixel is taler than the rest, he wears a mustache and seems a little effeminate. He explains that he used to work for the "Phone Company". Then someone asks "what's with the shoe?" He responds: "Have you ever seen how angry some people get when they see the bill?" (I'm paraphrasing all this here.) 

Then Pink Pixel Black guy reaches over and says "Man, I'm glad I'm Pink!" to which Brown Pixel goes "MnnnHMM!" in an overly flamboyant affirmation of some undoubtable truth. 

End commercial. 

There are some very serious things wrong with this. 

First, and foremost...

PIXELS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY. 

These commercials promote the misunderstanding of how picture gets displayed on your screen. Pixels are stationary beings that do not move. They have one spot. They live in that spot. Sometimes they die, and you have a nice black spot on your screen. It's called a dead pixel. Sometimes they get stuck, and they stay bright even when it should be dark. But they most definitely do not jump around across the screen. No, no. 

Second: A pixel is a gradation of three colors. Red, blue, green. There is no brown, purple, orange, or any of that jazz. If you can remember back to elementary school art class, three primary colors can make all the other colors in the world. The same holds true in the digital world. What pixels really are are little red, blue and green dots are smashed so close together that from a distance, they appear a certain color depending on each color's respective luminosity. In a Full 1080p HD TV there are a little over 2 million of these guys. I'm pretty sure they don't talk to each other. I'm positive that pixels don't hop a train from 'Phone Company Land' and take up shop in someone else's TV.      

Third: In magical non-sensical broken-metaphor world, what in God's name does being PINK have to do with anything?! I've thought long and hard about this, and I really can't figure it out. My friend told me "Dude, it's just a Black joke" but I refuse to accept that. Last I checked subtle racial humor doesn't fly on daytime television. And even if it did, it doesn't even make sense. Are we supposed to replace 'pink' with 'Black'?  

What bothers me more is that Brown Pixel seems to know what he means. I don't. I have no clue. And almost everyone I've asked about it doesn't get it either.

The final problem is a doozie. I can get past the bad racial / not racial joke. Maybe it's just supposed to be plain and silly and I'm looking into it WAY too much. But this last issue just hurts my head. 

 Brown Pixel has a running shoe attached to him. Now, the inference is that the person reading their Phone Company bill for their television service was so upset that s/he threw a shoe at the TV in anger. But here's the problem; the commercial has already setup that we're inside the TV. How would a running shoe suddenly shrink to the size of a pixel? More importantly, if we suspend a lot of disbelief and assume that said shoe can do such a thing, why would it be STUCK to him? 

In reality, there are no answers. It's just a stupid commercial. I just wish marketing companies would stop promoting ignorance through weird metaphors. Because, I swear, the first day someone tells me they're getting better pixels from their new ISP / Cable Company / FIOS or whatever -- I'm going to lecture them after I slap them. 

Just remember. 

PIxels do not work that way.